I am obcessed these days with seeking out the direction that I am to pursue with both my employment, and of my small business. It is funny how one theme reoccurs in my life – and it is that theme of “I dont know what i want to do when i grow up.” I have learned from a headhunter (employment agency) that my resume reads like i have been a conflicted person, having done many things, but not one clear pathway. Now you have to know that i admire that person that age 5 says “I want to be nancy the nurse, or I know i am going to be an accountant.” I never did have an intuitition of what i was to be. My mother was the cheerleader for me becoming the world’s greatest secretary, because in her days of work that was a good, secure and well paying job. My father wanted me to find practical work, like be an accountant. At the deepest recesses of my soul i always wanted to either be a writer or an artist. Unfortunately in college as i went through those weed out classes that were meant to shake your will, and sift out the serious from the people who just talked about it I let some over educated english professor reinforce my insecurity about my grasp of the english language. Why, i dont know. It probably had more to do with the idea that i respected authority, and valued the critique more than i did have the fuel to prove him wrong. The same can be said of art. I took several classes, and they were in mediums foreign or challenging to me. Instead of steadying the course and pursuing either with my heart and soul I sold out the the plan b – social science major, and yes, Mom, i did become the good secretary because that payed the bills.
These days of unemployment have fueled deeper passion for my art, and for the creativity that is needed. I have found myself accepted in circles that should be reserved for those people who got their fine art degrees…running with the big dogs of the art world is kind of cool. It is beginning to validate in my mind that this dream of an artist is real.
But i am also spending a lot of time asking God for direction, laying my life out before him and waiting for his direction. I know it is my job to prepare, and wait, and it is God’s to open the doors and provide that direction needed. So I will fix my focus on the Lord, and follow him all my days.
And I do covet your prayers. Sometimes the struggles to just get through this part of the journey is all i can do to live. It is good to be able to pick up the bible and read that there is a future with promise for me, and that this struggle is really just boot camp to develop something deeper in me. Fix my eyes, focus, and follow God.