Grief, loss and reconcilling life

It is funny but fall has always been my absolute favorite time of year… the cooler air, the crisp sounds of leaves under foot, and the colors… glorious reds and oranges, crisp yellows.  And pumpkins, apples, fresh pressed cider….. kettle corn, apple fritters, need i go on?

But fall holds a bittersweetness, because it reminds me of the last weeks and months spent with my mom on this earth.  This fall marks the 20 year mark since i shared a fall with her… because she went on to heaven in December of 1992.  Perhaps it was the cool and crisp air today, or seeing a mom and daughter together that took me on a journey into the past.  Perhaps it was news that my aunt, my mom’s baby sister passed away yesterday.  Perhaps it was  the longing to just have a cup of coffee and chat with her that struck me today.  But all day i found myself thinking about her, thinking about our times together, and longing for them once again. 

I have sometimes thought this grief, this sense of loss was pressed down deep inside, far from the grasp of my emotions, or perhaps mellowed with the passing of time.  But one thing is certain – you never can predict when the sense of loss and of grief comes back to visit like an unwanted guest. 

Maybe the passing of people is so difficult because we have built deep connections to them, or perhaps in some small way it reminds us that as one generation goes on to meet their maker we are one day soon to that same place.  Definately it is the wisdom, guidance, encouragement and love that mothers provide.  Never more will that same package of grace, wisdom and whit grace us on this side of heaven.  Oh, there will be people with grace, with wisdom, with encouragement, but not in that same tender place of our heart.  Mothers fill a spot that is impossible to fill with anything else.

There are times when it seems like just yesterday that mom was here, was on the phone, or we were going grocery shopping.  But there are other times when life was pressing in, and i just needed the ear of my mom, her hugs, and her confident wisdom that always took me to the place of knowing everything will work out.   And there are times like now when i try to remember what her voice sounded like, or how the light danced off her beautiful eyes. 

I must tell you that i am writing not out of deep grief, but out of a need to remember, to chereish, to celebrate her life.  So here is to fall, with pumpkins and crisp apples, brightly colored trees, and cold driving rain.  Here is to a life that transformed my thoughts, socialized me into a civilized human, and loved me even when i was far from that description.  Here is to the memories that don;t fade away, but remain strong reminders of how blessed  and special i am to have had such great parents.  And her it to my mom, as she looks down from heaven on this fall season.  I miss you mom, and i think of you so very often.  Life is not the same without you, but i am thankful you are free of the pain of arthritus, and are free from the loss of hearing.  And one day i will see you again in heaven.  Then we will have our long talk, and big hug.


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